Tears on My Pillow...

I woke up abruptly at 6am this morning with tears streaming down my face. It wasn't just a tear or two rolling down my cheeks, definitely a river of tears. It reminded me of a child ~ the way the waterworks just pour down their face when they are upset, usually over something devastating like the fact that they can't have dessert :)

This is the second time in the past month that this has happened and both dreams were related to my parents. This one was really vivid. I was at my father's wake ~ not the actual one ~ definitely an environment that I've never seen before. There were all these people there and reporters and cameramen. I was wrapped up in my grief until I realized that they were doing an expose and taking information for a newscast.

I went crazy!! I went over and started screaming at cameramen and deleting their film and or grabbing tape recorders out of their hands. I'm sure I looked like Russell Crowe or Sean Penn, you know really in control of their emotions with the media. I finally gave up trying to battle all of them and just walked away and sank down into a pew and dissolved into my grief.

That's the moment I woke up. I just laid in bed and let the sadness wash over me for a while. It amazes me that after all this time I can have such intense dreams about my parents. It feels very unguarded when this happens because it wasn't like I was consciously thinking of my Dad or Mom before I went to bed the night before. The emotions are so strong and visceral that it doesn't feel like these are thoughts coming from my head, it feels like emotion just coming from my soul.

I went for a walk to get some money at the bank and feel better now and have shaken it off. I could get really depressed if I stay stuck in the anger of losing them or the emotions of not thinking it is fair, so I try to think "wow, what an impact these two people have had on my life that after all this time I can miss them so much and know that the love I feel for them still resonates so deeply in my core". Okay, that is going to make me cry again so I better come back to the shallow world of Diva by Diva and get ready for a long day of rehearsal.